Chapter 3: Feelings of Guilt

 

        Everyone around you was yelling, shouting names solely directed at you, ones that you knew all too well.

Worthless

Street rat

Freak

Outcast

Monster

       You stood in your weak 7-year-old body in the middle of the Leaf Village, tears pouring down your face from your now dull (E/C) eyes like a water fall. The people started advancing towards you, ready to beat you for the second time that day. Some had started throwing things already, anything they could find: food, trash, rocks, even glass bottles. This is what happened everyday, and didn’t why they did this, why they hated you so much. Couldn’t they all see the weak and pained child crying right in front of them instead of the monster they claim you to be? You couldn’t take it anymore, and even though it hurt, you picked your weak, damaged, and trembling legs up, and started to run away.

        They followed you until you finally lost them in a place of the village you didn’t know, all you knew was that it was somewhere dark. You collapsed, exhausted from the pain, and curled up into a ball, hugging your knees and lowering your head into them. You whimpered and sobbed uncontrollably. You had no friends, family, or people that didn’t think you were a wild beast. There was no one around to help or comfort you. You were all alone, and you knew it was going be like this for the rest of your life.

        When you lifted your head from your knees, you found that now you were in a different hell-hole. You were locked in a dungeon like cell, heavily chained and gagged to the dirty, musty wall behind you. Besides your neck, you couldn’t move an inch, since the chains bound you everywhere. This place felt strangely familiar, like you knew it well. And you knew there was no escape.

        A man stood in front of the cell door, looking through the tiny window with a few small bars, directly at you. A distasteful scowl that seemed so familiar was spread across his stone cold face. He unlocked the door and stepped inside the cell. His whole figure emanated with authority and power, leaving you with only a sense of fear and dread. He completely terrified you, but you tried to show no fear. He stalked over towards you, each step echoing off the walls like an earthquake, making you wince, only getting worse as he got closer. He kneeled in front of your slightly quivering form, and started beating you. He punched, kicked, and slapped you, over and over while he shouted words that you couldn’t hear, as if you already knew what they were and your mind had intentionally blocked them out. You never made a sound, even when he made contact with your skin, you were too weak to do so, and you knew it would only make everything worse. You did nothing to stop him, to try and get away, because there was no point, there was no way out, no way for you to stop him.

        When he finally stopped, he gave you one last hurtful glare before exiting the cell, slamming the door shut, and locking it firmly in place behind him. You felt small, hungry, cold, and nearly defeated. You began to cry once again, but no noise was made due to the gag in your mouth. In the midst of your tears, you could make out the sound of metal resounding in your ears, getting closer and closer, drawing your head up to where you heard the sound coming from. All of a sudden, an explosion sounded near where you were, setting the cell and anything else in front of you on fire. You were trembling in fear of burning alive as you watched the scorching flames dance all around you. But before you could look to see what had caused the explosion and fire, everything vanished.

 
Gaara POV

        It was a quiet and seemingly peaceful night. The full moon shone down upon this village brightly, one of the only things that pleased me besides blood being spilled. It was the perfect night to track a worthless little thief who dared steal from me.

        We followed my new sense for her blood, which led us somewhere behind a maze of alleyways, with the ‘Shadow Fox’ huddled up in a fetal position in front of a huge wall. She was almost completely wrapped up in an old torn blanket, which looked too small to cover her, with only her head that was facing me, hands, and legs showing. Her eyes were closed, and her chest was rising and falling in a steady motion. She must be asleep. For some reason, she looked so… peaceful. The sight slightly filled me with something I’ve never felt before. It was a warm feeling that somehow made me… calmer, and it kept growing the more I looked at her. I didn’t realize that I was staring so long until Temari’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

        “Gaara, is she sleeping? Should we take her out now?”

        “Yeah, how long are we gonna stand here? I wanna teach this brat a less-” I shot my arm out to the side, signaling them to stop talking and be silent. Something was wrong.

        All of a sudden, her body started shaking, and she began tossing and turning wildly. With a yelp she opened her eyes and shot up, panting and looking around frantically. I could see her expression clearly. Fear and terror were written all across her now sweaty pale face. Her once gleaming (E/C) eyes were now glazed over in pure horror, as if she just saw the devil. I would’ve fully reveled in this, but for some reason, with her, there was something different.

        As she whipped her head from side to side, her eyes met with mine only for an instant, but I saw so much. Those eyes. They remind me of mine, a long time ago. I saw the very same emotions I once felt in those now hollow eyes: loneliness, sadness, confusion, and suffering. She didn’t see us, she was too distracted from whatever she just went through inside her head to take notice of her surroundings. Part of me liked this new fear that I’ve never seen in her before, but another wished it to be gone.

        I understood everything now. Her eyes, her fear, her sorrow, it was like looking into a mirror of my own life. I kept my gaze on her the entire time, watching her start to calm down some and regain her senses, at least some of them. Still shaking, she leaned against the wall and wrapped her arms around her knees, burying her head between them, and then started to sob.

        I felt something in my chest. It was a weird feeling. It wasn’t pain, but something different. I didn’t like it. This was different than before, why does it hurt this way? I clutched my shirt where my chest was, gritting my teeth in annoyance. Thankfully my siblings didn’t see this, they were too focused on the crying girl, unsure of what to do.

        “What’s wrong with her?” Kankuro asked. I did not respond, even though I had the answer.

        “Is this all because of a nightmare? How-?”

        “It’s not just that.” I interrupted Temari. It’s clear that they can’t see it, what was actually going on. “This isn’t just from a single fake nightmare.” Her whole life has been one. They looked at me, now understanding what I meant, then back at her sobbing form with a new sense of curiosity and pity. “We’re leaving.” I started walking back down the alleyway we came from, in the opposite direction of the ‘Shadow Fox’. They didn’t argue, and reluctantly followed suite, shooting a few glances back at the girl. We walked back onto the main street and I stopped again. “Go back to the apartment, and don’t follow me.” They didn’t protest, and I began walking to my new destination. I will get rid of this weird pain in my chest, and I don’t care how.

 
Your POV

        You awoke, shooting up from the ground, wide eyed and trembling, feeling beads of sweat trickle down the sides of your face. You swiveled your head from side to side, breathing heavily, and your heart beating drastically. This always happened when you awoke. However, tonight was much worse. You had never experienced the last part of being chained in that cell. It felt so horrible, yet real, as if it had actually happened, and the memory of it gave you a splitting headache and you didn’t know why.

      You eventually began to calm down as you breathed more slowly and deeply, and your mind began to focus again. But the only thoughts that came to mind were what kind of hard merciless life you’ve lived so far, and always will. How lonely, hated, bruised and beaten you had always been. To never find friends, love, or just people who didn’t think you were a monster. Why did this all ever happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why can’t everyone just realize that I’m not a monster? That I’m suffering? I sound like a selfish brat now, but dammit! I HATE THIS! I CAN’T TAKE IT!! I don’t… I don’t want to do this anymore.

        You could no longer hold back the tears that watered your eyes, now flowing freely down your cheeks and dripping onto the ground. You leaned against the big wall next to you, wrapping your arms around your knees and burying your head between them. Tears upon tears cascaded down your face, and it was the most you had cried in a while. You let out a slight whimper, a cry for help that no one would or will ever listen to.

     You imagined that you looked pathetic, a vulnerable and weak mess. It hurt too much, though, and you no longer cared at this point if anyone saw you in this state. Why do I even try anymore? No one’s ever gonna care about me. Why do I try to survive when there’s nothing for me in this world, when the world doesn’t even want me? Oh, yeah, because I’m too much of a coward to do anything about it. Instead, I put myself through this torture for nothing, for no one, not even myself. You slumped against the wall in defeat and tightened your grip around your knees as you felt the cool night air against your body, reminding you again of how abandoned you were, and how you’ll always be.

       You were drawn from your thoughts when you felt something warm swirling around you. You lifted your head off your knees at the odd feeling, and you were met with a thick strand of sand around you, stroking your cheek. It was strangely comforting, and you found yourself closing your eyes and leaning slowly into the sand’s touch. It never even crossed your mind to realize who it belonged to, or where it was coming from, you just embraced the idea of the new radiating warmth. For the first time in your life, you didn’t feel so alone and cold. You sighed blissfully, as the corner of your lips formed a smile, not a smirk, not a killing grin, but a pure, genuine smile. Soft giggles left your mouth too, as the sand started twirling faster and tickled your skin a little. You opened your eyes in complete joy and wonder, as you stared at the sand lovingly.

        But all too soon, the sand started to retract from you, and you felt the comfort slip away, but the warmth still lingered, making you smile. Your expression softened as you remembered this first friendly feeling, and how amazing your heart felt at the contact. Is this what it feels like to be happy?

        This train of thought didn’t last too long, as your logical side quickly returned, and you began to question where the sand had come from. There was only one person you knew of who could use sand. Gaara! You gasped and looked around, worried that Gaara and his two followers still surrounded you. When you couldn’t see or sense anyone nearby, you relaxed a little, although you were confused. If they saw me the entire time I was awake, why didn’t they just attack me while I was vulnerable? Oh geez, it was probably too embarrassing or awkward for them to even look at me. But, if the sand really was Gaara’s, why would he…

        That’s when you finally sensed something, or rather someone nearby. When you looked to see where they were, you realized that they weren’t in front of you, they were above you. As you looked up, you could barely make out a figure on the roof of one of the houses. Before you could get a closer look, they vanished.

 
Gaara POV

        I was still watching her as she cried into her knees, leaned up against the wall below. The pain in my heart was still there, and it wasn’t going away anytime soon. But I wanted it gone, and without thinking, I tried something that I never would have imagined I would do. I let my sand quietly sink to her form below and had it swirl around her to draw her attention. I began to try and comfort her as best as I could. Surprisingly, she didn’t seem in pain when I caressed her cheek. I must actually be gentle enough then, or she’s strong enough to resist some of my sand. I could see her glow with happiness, smiling and giggling as the sand tickled her skin. The pain had finally stopped, but now it was replaced by a new feeling. It felt… warm, and there was a sort of… longing. Why is there a pounding in my chest? I don’t know what this new feeling is, and I had no idea if I liked it or not. 

        I called back my sand, I couldn’t continue this. I had to try and distance myself now, before anything else happened. Although, when I looked down at her again, I felt some sort of… satisfaction? It was all too weird. I had no desire to kill her anymore after the scene she made, and I didn’t understand why. Why did I not use my sand to crush her? Why is it that I could kill anyone but her? What makes this girl so special, and what are these strange feelings in my chest? 
        
        I saw her trying to look for someone, most likely me, as she seemed to snap back to her senses. But when she had finally looked up at me I had already turned around and started walking off. The feelings are still here though. Why do I feel so calm, and light-headed? My thoughts were only on her now, and it annoyed me. What do I do? How do I get rid of these feelings? I shouldn’t be feeling like this in the first place, it should be impossible. Maybe they will go away. Yes, that has to be it. They will leave in time. They have to.

        I found a place on one of the roofs in the village and sat down, staring up at the full moon as another sleepless night passed, with my thoughts still lingering on the Shadow Fox.

 
Temari POV

        Me and Kankuro saw the whole thing. We decided to follow Gaara and see where he was going. We were curious as to his sudden change of behavior, which all started when we first met the ‘Shadow Fox’, and again after the girl’s panic attack tonight. Her breakdown looked so familiar. It reminded us of a long time ago, when Gaara was a small child, before he… changed.

        After Gaara was gone, we went back and hid in the same alleyway we were in just moments before, and watched Gaara step onto the roof above the girl’s sleeping place. We watched Gaara actually comfort her with his sand, with no ill will at all. No blood, no death, nothing. After a few minutes, he just stopped, and left to another rooftop, with the girl falling back asleep soon after. When we finally got a hold of ourselves, we started walking back to the apartment. There was an almost awkward silence between us, both us refusing to say a word, our thoughts only one thing.

        “Hey, Temari?” Kankuro mumbled softly.

        “Yes, Kankuro?”

        “Do you think that, you know… Gaara’s-“

        “Shush! We don’t know for sure. It could just be that he… Well maybe…” I sighed. “I really wish I knew what he was thinking sometimes. We’ll figure out why he’s acting weird, I just need to figure out how.”

        “Huh. And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one here.”

        “Then that makes you the stupid one.”

        “Shut up.”

        “Just keep walking before we get caught, idiot.” He scoffed.

        “Whatever.” Hmph. We’ll definitely figure this out. I smirked. Things just got real interesting.

 
Your POV 

        You groaned as you groggily opened your eyes to the bright sun, waking up from a dreamless sleep, or so it felt. Maybe I blacked out after I started… breaking down, and the whole sand thing was just a dream. A very weird, random dream. But it felt so real, I still feel the warmth radiating off me. I guess it could just be some kind of after dream effect. Well, I guess it was nice while it lasted. Of course no one would ever do something nice for me like that, let alone him. As you stood up, you decided to take a walk to hopefully clear your mind.

 

        You strolled around the village for the rest of the morning. Your mind did clear somewhat, and the more time passed, you became more focused and alert, still on the lookout for anything that be a danger to you. Surprisingly, it was a very quiet morning, not even Naruto could be heard yammering his mouth about anything and everything. It was strange, but it was also a blessing. You sometimes liked the quiet while examining the village in the morning. It was so peaceful, but that didn’t last long, as you felt something lingering in the back of your mind that made the hairs on your neck stand up. It was the feeling of being watched.

        That feeling suddenly rushed throughout your whole body, right as you saw a warm bowl of ramen on a crate in the alleyway you were in. This was definitely not right. (E/C) eyes glanced from side to side, searching for anyone who could be hidden from view. When you still didn’t sense anything, you tried walking past the tempting ramen bowl, but you couldn’t, your hunger clouding your judgement. It could be a trap. Come on, just keep walking and don’t fall for something as stupid as this. But then again, it wasn’t everyday that you got a treat like this, and you needed to stock up on food. One bowl of ramen can’t be that bad. Besides, if there were any poisonous ingredients, it still wouldn’t be a problem since you were resistant to many kinds of poisons and illnesses. You had to do risky things due to your lifestyle, which overtime strengthened your immune system. With this in mind, you walked back over to the ramen and sniffed it. You couldn’t smell any strong poison or anything else ‘weird’, and that feeling of being watched started to fade. Strange, but I’ll take it.

        Sighing in relief, you started to chow down on the delectable noodles. You wanted to take it back and save it for later, but again, hunger got the best of you. After you were done, you set the bowl down and decided to go back ‘home’. You passed by almost empty streets, still as silent as before. It was becoming slightly unnerving now, but you still continued on. Once you returned ‘home’, you just wanted to lay down and try to relax for at least an hour or two. You let out a slight cough and began to lean against the wall, yawning all the way down. Another harder cough escaped your mouth, followed by another and another, until it finally stopped. But in its place, a searing, excruciating pain erupted in your stomach, making you yelp loudly in shock.

        You collapsed onto your right side on the hard dirt ground, clutching your stomach. You were taking deep, heavy breaths to try and help distract yourself from the unbearable pain, but another wave of agony rushed through your stomach, the intensity making you clench your eyes shut. AH! THIS IS PURE TORTURE! Damn it!! That ramen bowl must’ve been poisoned after all! But for something to have affected me like this, it would have to be super strong- AH! THIS SUCKS!!!  Who did this!?

        You slowly opened your eyes, your vision starting to get blurry. However, you could still make out three very familiar figures walking your way. It was Gaara and his squad. You! Damn you, you freaking- AH!!

        You winced as another wave hit. You glared menacingly at the trio as your whole body was filled with rage. You grit your teeth, and snarled, flashing your teeth at them to warn them. You let out low, loud, feral growls, making you look and act like a deranged wild animal, all the while trying to summon enough will power to move your hands and force out your hidden blades. The pain only seemed to grow stronger, making you lose your focus, and leaving yourself utterly defenseless. They kept getting closer and closer, while you panicked more and more by the second. You had no idea what they were going do to you. For all you knew, they could kill you, Gaara seemed to be able to do so with no remorse.

        Gaara’s feet eventually stopped right in front of your face, and because your strength was weakening, you couldn’t lift your head to see his or the other two’s figures. You didn’t want to. He placed his right foot on the left side of your face and applied pressure to it, not enough to crush you or severely injure you, but enough to keep you in place on the ground. Thinking that he might try and crush your head, you tried to struggle your way out of his foothold, literally, on you. He only put more pressure on your head, causing you to stop your struggling. You growled, and he put even more pressure on you. You stopped, and whimpered, only loud enough for him to hear.

        When he seemed to be satisfied with your surrender, he knelt down in front of your stagger breathing form, which caused you to twitch your lip and nose into another snarl with a low, quiet growl rumbling from your chest. He leaned in close to your ear, but you did nothing to stop him, you couldn’t.

        “Sleep.” A deep, raspy voice whispered. You stopped your growling all together, a sudden feeling weakness and drowsiness overcoming you. Exhausted, your tense body relaxed, as the pain in your stomach began to vanish, and you grew more tired by the second. The last thing you remembered before slipping into unconsciousness, was being lifted into a pair of strong, warm arms.